The following is taken from Carolyn Hax's live Internet chat room conversations.
QUESTION: An ongoing issue with my husband. He wakes me up quite, er, affectionately every morning – not looking for sex but just kind of all over me. I hate it. I don't think it's him; I'm just am not ready for that sort of attention first thing. I feel invaded and just want to be left alone. It's like a giant alarm clock is pawing me and I can't make it shut off. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he thinks I'm being cold and rejecting him. Today I blew up and said, “Enough!” Was I out of line?
ANSWER: Unfortunately, no. I say “unfortunately” because, in theory, blowing up is not on the list of ideal ways to communicate with one's spouse. However, when your efforts to talk civilly have been rejected, and when emotionally you're regarding his affection as an invasion, “ideally” goes out the window and you just need to get your message across. “Enough!” is a clear way to do that.
In fact, he's the one who was out of line for putting you in this position. Not with his affection, obviously, but with his taking your rejection personally, his accusing you and, mainly, his ignoring your specific request to be left alone. If you can't say no without getting guilt-tripped, then he's manipulating you. And while it's easy to see why your rejection would sting him, the answer is never to force affection on someone. His behavior has little red-flag buds all over it.
Of course, now that you were pushed to snapping, you will have to add damage control to an already difficult conversation – and since that conversation won't happen unless he's receptive to it, you probably need to introduce the topic by acknowledging his feelings before you start in on your own. “I realize my reaction was probably a slap in the face, and this is not where I wanted things to end up.” Then you need to listen carefully if he wants to say his piece. Show you're ready to listen, and maybe he will acknowledge on his own that he has been behaving badly.
If not, then you need to say, when it's your turn: “I feel very angry/frustrated/ scared/(your emotion here) when you ignore my requests to be left alone in the morning.” Then you explain, again, that you're not rejecting him, you're rejecting this method of awakening you. You're fast asleep, so you can't prepare yourself; you have only your visceral, reflexive reaction. He, on the other hand, is making the conscious choice to touch you, so he can make the conscious choice to wait until your head clears.
Explain that it's not about sex, or affection. It's about respect.
This will probably go a lot better if you can think of a situation where, for reasons of temperament alone, he asks you to make an adjustment you'd rather not make – like not interrupting him while he reads the paper. We all have things that get on our nerves for irrational reasons. If you can liken your need for morning solitude to one of his quirks – not as scorekeeping, just to help him relate – then he's more likely to grasp the unfairness of shifting the blame onto you.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or “Tell Me About It,” c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, DC 20071.
